Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Teenage Girls, Queen, and the Whitetail Deer Institute

As a teenage girl in Georgia, there are a few things with which I grew up.....guns, hunting, fishing, MTV (when it still played music), and of course my best friend. Of those five things, I thoroughly hated two, guess which two.....go ahead, you get 5 chances.....

Yup, you nailed it, hunting and fishing. Seriously, at the age of eight, my dad took me out to the woods and handed me the .22 long rifle (which I had been previously schooled on), and I had to follow him while he tracked deer at 0500. In civilian parlance, that would be 05-o'fucking-clock in the morning. Okay, so what eight year old likes to be up at 0500 when no cartoons are involved, and, more importantly, what sane human being drags his DAUGHTER out for this crap?! I'll tell you who, my raised-in-Tennessee father who had only one

We had been at this for a few hours, and other than pissing off a deer with a .22 caliber round, I was really of no use.....and I was getting bored. Now, enter into the picture a beautiful 8-point buck. He was gorgeous! And how nice would that head look on our wall at home? And how much meat would we have for the freezer? As my dad drew up his rifle, and began to take aim, all those plans were shot to shit when I yelled, at the top of my lungs, "Run, Bambi, RUN!!" Oh, did I forget to mention that my parents had allowed me to watch Bambi only a few weeks prior to this? Must have slipped my mind.....and apparently my dad's mind when he decided it was a good idea to drag his daughter on a hunting trip.

Needless to say, he...was...PISSED! You know how we have all those child protective laws? I don't think those would've helped me. My dad lowered his gun, took me by the arm, led me to the truck, and.....locked me inside, by myself, with a can of beenie weenies and a coke for the rest of the day. I'm fairly certain you're not supposed to leave an eight year old, alone, in a vehicle, in the woods, for most of the day. Not even in 1983. But, I got what I wanted! My hunting trip ended approximately 2-3 hours into it, and I never had to go hunting again! The reason I tell this story is to set the proper stage for what happened at my best friend's house almost 8 yrs later.

Megan and I were at her house, and we were excited!! Why, you may ask? Well, because the Freddy Mercury tribute concert was about to start, and we were going to spend the next few hours in Queen-ly bliss! We had made our snacks, gotten our drinks, picked our spots on the couch, and settled in for what promised to be nothing short of unadultered awesomeness in the form of a pantheon of legendary performers covering Queen songs. And then it happened.....the fucking Whitetail Deer Institute....

When we were about an hour, or so, into our Queen-gasm, Megan's dad entered the room with one of his karate students. Both are avid hunters. This room housed the only TV with a VCR, and incidentally, the only TV hooked to cable. We, as teenagers, didn't have a chance. Queen went off, and a VHS tape, made by the Whitetail Deer Institute, containing "critical" hunting information began to play.

So, what, do you ask, IS the Whitetail Deer Institute? Well, they are a bunch of people who got together to create feed for deer in order to lure the overly cunning creatures into an area, and while the deer ate, the hunters shoot them. At least, that's the gist of what I got out of the video, Megan may remember it differently, but here's a link to the organization if you want to create your own deer massacre in your front yard:

We were understandably angry. But we weren't leaving our spots on the couch, out of spite. Her dad, and his student, would just have to make do with the recliner and a chair.....our small act of defiance. So, they did, and what proceeded to unfold on the TV was nothing short of bizarre. It was footage of deer literally coming out of relatively safe wooded areas, into open ground, to eat free food laid out by lazy-ass hunters.....all of this was narrated by one of the thickest southern accents I have ever heard, and I grew up in Georgia! Megan and I just stared in disbelief.....then we got angry.....and as this video continued for about half an hour, it got......funny! OH...MY...GOD!! This was HILARIOUS! I was the first one to see the humor in "Bubba" discussin' the sci-en-tiffic process bye whhhich the feeeeed wuz dee-veloped. And I had picked up the closest pillow to cover my face because I was now trying to control my violent spasm of laughter. Megan looked at me like, "Are you for freaking REAL?! What could possibly be making you laugh? We're supposed to be watching the tribute! Why aren't you angry like me?!" In answer to her queries, I was pointing at the TV and grinning like a Cheshire cat, "This is ridiculous! Don't you see how stupid this is? And look how studiously your dad and his student are WATCHING this? Why aren't you laughing at this like me?!" Of note, this whole dialogue passed between us through facial gestures and hand motions. Now Megan began to actually watch and listen to what was going on.....and she grabbed a pillow in order to hide her laughter. By the time we hit the 30-minute mark, we are shaking violently, and laughing hysterically.....and we couldn't stop! Her dad noticed the awful, and annoying, sounds of muffled laughter coming from the two teenaged girls on the couch, who wouldn't leave, despite his dirty looks. And then a miracle happened. He had finally had enough of our sacrilege, and stopped the tape. What?! Really? Oh my God! We won!!

He angrily grabbed the tape, left the room, and even though we had missed 30 minutes, we got to settle back down in our couch, and watch the tribute without any further interruption. Moral of the story? No matter how important you think your tape/DVD is, there are always going to be teenaged girls who think it's hysterically stupid :)